20 minutes into straightening your hair, you finally accept defeat and re-wash your hair
*still not unpacked. from paris OR miami. tomorrow is for a deep clean of my apartment. i am telling myself it will provide a healthy distraction and that it’ll be good for my stress levels.
*spent the day working on a project for a friend. so basically, I got paid to hang out with a friend and listen to music. he even made me lunch. oh, and we were pretty productive to boot
*he gave me lots of praise and said he would have me keep doing this while I’m still looking for a job. I can live with that. he also said once he can hire someone full time he would want to hire me.
*the new dude texted to say he was still having issues at work so he couldn’t do full scale shenanigans but he would love to grab a drink.
*i brought home gefilte fish for the gm to try and he compared it to malort in that people make it seem worse than it is. but yeah, it’s still a cold fish meatball.
*we drank the cider I bought him in honfleur and it made me want to run back to europe. or at least order some oysters.
and he texted me yesterday evening to say there was a work emergency and if he couldn’t fix it tonight he would have to reschedule our date
no big deal
or at least I didn’t think so. I thought it was polite, steve thinks it’s a blow off and a bad sign.
the gm is coming over tonight
and instead of actually cleaning my apartment i decided to just shove everything into my closets
i can’t tell if i am crying because, parenthood
or because oh my goodness, i am qualified for nothing
Previously mentioned here…this is what happened:
Before we all boarded our flight from Chicago O’Hare to London Heathrow (our connection to Berlin), we all grabbed food to-go. My brother, who hadn’t put his passport away from going through security, placed his passport in his bag of food. …
I still cannot get over this
when i told the gm this story i turned to my sister and said “our privilege is showing”
Anonymous asked: Sorry about the breakup. But can you understand that you send mixed messages on the internet with your blog posts? Dating but posting how this probably won't work out.... it seems as though everything is about you. Frankly, if you have deal breakers in terms of relationships, why do you entertain and engage with someone who wants a lifestyle different than yours? You can't change people. Would you change for them? I guess not based on your posts.
i do get that and yet, i think it is difficult, if not impossible, to get a full sense of what is going on in someone’s life exclusively through their blog.
sometimes, there is bad stuff that i avoid talking about because i don’t want my in real life friends/my family to see. or because i wouldn’t want them to be hurt that i didn’t come to them first. or simply because i can’t deal with it.
sometimes, there is good stuff that i avoid sharing because i tend to hold my happy moments closer to my chest. i tend to use this space to vent because i don’t really need help working through the good stuff.
so yes, i talked a lot about how the gm was probably not my future person. i still believe that to be true, which is why we broke up. that doesn’t mean that i was ready to break up at that very second, that it’s not allowed to hurt or that i can’t feel sad and wonder if i did the right thing.
what i did not write about was that he was well aware of these doubts, we had conversations multiple times, i told him how i felt and said it did not matter to me in that moment, but down the line it would be a problem. i even offered to break up with him months ago. i was very open and honest and we decided we were having fun and he said he wasn’t ready to stop seeing me. maybe he thought i would change my mind? regardless, i was upfront which is all i can be. he is mature adult who can make his own decisions. so i resent painting it as being “all about me.”
but, despite the fact that i knew we had some deal breakers that were impossible to overcome, I really enjoyed dating him. he was wonderful, he made me feel wonderful, special, safe and loved. i don’t know that i have ever felt that way with anyone else i have ever dated. he was so different when we were alone together versus in a group so i am not even sure my friends who met him in real life will get it. but he made me laugh and he made me feel happy. also, we saw each other about 5-6 days a week so it’s just a bit of an adjustment.
i sometimes see something or something happens and i want to tell him but i have to be like oh, i should probably just keep that to myself. i mean, we are still talking, we are still texting but not as frequently as before. we are supposed to hang out next week but i am not sure if that is just a giant mistake.
it’s so much harder when you didn’t break up because you were fighting or couldn’t get along. there was no big moment that led to out break up, we just decided to be smart and mature [damn you practical side!] and face up to realities we had been avoiding.
i think everyone has “deal breakers” as they should. i am not recommending having 20 deal breakers or breaking up with someone because they order food in a weird way. but, there are certain things that should not be compromised on, and that is fine. the religion thing is mine and the kids thing was his.
HWSNBN doesn’t bring up the religion thing for months, i tend to bring it up much earlier because i want the person i am dating to understand. in this case, the gm knew, but he underplayed how religious he was saying only his mother was religious. maybe he thought i would break up with him?
regardless, there are some things i don’t plan on compromising on but if i met the right person who knows. that’s why i generally avoid writing people off immediately. but more importantly, not everyone i date is going to be my future husband. i am getting older and i get it but dating can sometimes just be for fun or because you enjoy the person’s company or because there is still a chance that they can chose to change for you. maybe with a different person, with a different relationship, with a person who’s family is different….i would bend a little more or we would compromise and they would convert and i would have kids. who knows?
'twas a fun time but I am oh so happy that tonight I will finally set eyes on my apartment and start settling back into real life
i started this evening off as a crabby weepy mess and even though i am absolutely knackered my mood has totally turned around
the power of hanging with my family